So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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