Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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