He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
