i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
