Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
