Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Let's get the cat blown out
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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