hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
