Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
