I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
