I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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