You just made me feel so damn special
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize