Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
