I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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