I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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