I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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