Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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