After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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