Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Randomize
