i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
