wakey wakey hands off snakey
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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