You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
