Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize