i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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