my phone needs a breathalizer
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
