Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
