We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
