Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
