So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
