My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
