Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I think i got beer on your cat.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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