Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
