U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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