MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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