some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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