Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
