your parents love me but you hate me
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My cat gives me a boner
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
