Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Everclear isn't food dammit
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize