I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
