That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
