I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
