my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
