We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
