It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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