Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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