he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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