grandma shit on top of the toilet
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
