Don't you send me to vm
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
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