come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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