I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize