ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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