Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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