just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Someone shattered a urinal.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
We are all done wearing pants today
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize