god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
