Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
