ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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