wakey wakey hands off snakey
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
